suupa fierce - 6 month mark
So still feeling pretty crappy over here! I feel like I have the entire world on my shoulders… not just with things that are happening back at home but also with things here. I'm a very loving person, I love to love. And I really have the ability to feel what others feel… this can all be very good and helpful but in the same light sometimes it hurts me because all I want to do is save them. I take all their burdens onto my own shoulders and try to carry them so they don't have to. But in reality its still their life and somethings I just can't take away. Well, that is a lot easier to write than it is to act on.
Daily I battle myself, and Satan so that I don't completely lose it. And I'm barely hanging on right now. In result to all the stress I've had a migraine almost everyday for 3 weeks now. On Tuesday I will be seeing a doctor to get a scan done on my head. I will let you all know how that goes! Not only that, but I have turned to food for comfort. My health is not okay, and I have to do something about it. I'm sick of people calling me fat here and I'm sick of all the jokes that people think are funny. For example this last week when we were in a lesson and a member asked to see a picture of my family. After seeing the picture he continued to make a super lovely comment "Are you the only fatter one in your family? What'd you do? Eat all the food plates of everyone else when they were done? hahahahaha". Everyone else seemed to think it was hilarious. I giggled but on the inside it was just another twist in the knife that I was already dealing with in my heart. I made an announcement that due to my health I was no longer allowed to eat rice, bread, sugar or fried foods so that our mamitas, who feed us know that I'm serious about this. I just wanna get back to feeling happy and if I can't control the other people around me and I can't fix everything that I want to, I know that I can fix this, so this is where I'm going to start.
So a couple of the experiences that I've had this past week that have really had an affect on me that I wanted to share with you all!First off, C--------:Christina is a 12 year old girl that we were teaching. she was recommended by her Uncle W------ who we just baptized. She was recommended by him to try and help her get out of her already not so great habits with the boys around town… I know everyone has their agency to choose, but the way she is raised, idk how her mom doesn't expect her to end up like she is… Her mom goes out every night and leaves her and her nine year old sister to fend for themselves and dates a different man every weekend and doesn't understand why her 12 year old daughter is already kissing boys. Mean while I found myself becoming very attached and having sooooo much love for her. Especially because I knew she wasn't getting it at home. She was ready to be baptized and loved being in the church. One night when we were talking she told me that sometimes she felt so bad about who she was she felt the need to kill herself… I tried to counsel her the best I could especially with the past I have with feelings like this. But it still really worried me. The next day we were talking with her grandma and I told her I didn't want to freak her out but I was a little worried about her grand daughter and I shared with her what C-------- said, and told her that if I didn't say anything and something happened I would feel awful. A few days later we went to pick her up for her baptismal interview… She opened the door and immediately said to me, "Because of YOU my mom beat me last night! Because of YOU I have to move to Guayaquil!" She continued to explain to me that her grandma told her mom what I had said. That night when her mom came home she said, "You wanna kill yourself? Well, come on over here let me help!" And beat her. I bursted into tears and told her that I would NEVER ever tell her grandma or her mother anything with a bad intention. She fell into my arms balling and told me that she knew I loved her. It just still kills me that she was beaten because of something I said… she moved to Guayaquil that night and I'm hoping she's home soon so we can continue teaching her and preparing her for her baptism.Another experience I had this week was with our new investigator M-----. Wow. She is amazing! She sells teas and supplements to help you lose weight. So we went in there one night to ask her about some things. She ended up asking about the church and told us that she knows there is only one true church on the earth and she knows it isn't the catholic or the evangelic church either. She knows that the true church found gold plates and has a prophet named Joseph Smith......I nearly kissed her I was so excited! I just wanted to jump up and yell that's us! That's us! A couple days went by and me being the sucky missionary that I am right now... I forgot to go back and visit her. One day we walked by her shop and she yelled, "Hey! When are you gonna come give me the lessons? I wanna be a part of your religion!" Whelp that was a slap in the face for me. We met with her the next day and she accepted the invitation to be baptized and is preparing to be baptized this month! When we invited her to read the Book of Mormon we read the introduction together. She came across the part that talks about the golden plates and Joseph Smith and she stopped mid reading and looked up at us and just said, "This is it... this is the truth" I just started crying. I was so overwhelmed and so taken back. It's so true... this is the only true church of Christ on the earth and we are so lucky to have it. I love this gospel and I am so grateful for it.